I didn’t realise how sad this could be until I casually shared it with a friend of mine. It happens when I feel particularly vulnerable, like there are a hundred eyes on me judging me or scolding me for something I may or may not have done. The specifics are seldom relevant, it’s usually just a reaction to whatever narratives my mind cooks up against my will.

I would enter the bathroom face down, wash my hands face down, even enter the elevator face down. Sometimes I would give it a try, force myself to look at myself in the eyes, but the anxiety would be quickly overwhelming. I think things like “look at how you’ve chosen to go outside,” second-guessing whatever outfit I’ve worn or how I’ve chosen to do my hair that particular day — even criticising things I can’t choose like how my eyes look, how my face rests, all of it. Feeling vulnerable is difficult for this reason, even when I try to do good things for myself it’s usually met with further criticism from myself — scolding myself for thinking I could cover the cracks. That sounds dramatic, but it’s the best way to word what I feel. I think others who have gone through the same thing would agree, but I’ve never spoken to anyone who has. They’re probably out there, hope everything is going well if that’s you.

I really want to learn how to manage this feeling. I understand intellectually that all those feelings aren’t founded in any real problems with myself, I know not everyone is actually judging me or caring enough about my decisions to ruminate over them all day everyday, but knowing that doesn’t help. It’s a cliché, but it’s not like I ever criticise anyone in this way. I never do, none of my friends ever do, so why is it so easy to believe that everyone is doing it to me?

I don’t know, but that’s fine. A benefit of treating this blog as a public journal is that I don’t really need to offer anything beyond my thoughts.

What I know for sure though is that I’m ready to tackle this feeling head on. Every time I feel vulnerable, like a burden, like everyone and the wind are laughing at me, I reach out to a friend. If I can’t do that, I turn off all the music and sit on a bench for a while until I feel present and okay. If that’s not enough, I go on a walk. If that’s not enough still, I take a deep breath and try again tomorrow.

I’m overly critical of myself, maybe that’s related to how I was raised or whatever, but I want this to change. I want to do something extremely embarrassing, have everyone know about it, and still be able to stand on a table and say:

“Yes! I did that. But I’m pretty decent otherwise!”

Self-love.

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