I started taking antidepressants sometime in 2019. This was after several years of battling depression and anxiety, as well as OCD and just an overall discontentment with life. Most nights were spent alone in my room because it was the only setting I knew how to handle. I’d spend hours watching videos on YouTube — always ending up down some philosophy rabbit hole that I’d indulge in to somehow better understand my own thoughts & feelings.

I was always against taking pills just because, like most people I think, I wanted to be able to handle it on my own. Everyone I’ve recommended antidepressants to in recent years has echoed this sentiment, that they didn’t want to rely on the pills for too many things or that the side-effects didn’t outweigh the pros.

2018 changed that for me. I came back home after living abroad for a year, I had to say goodbye to a group of friends I cared deeply for as well as a life I had not only grown accustomed to but loved so much. I felt a level of loneliness I had never experienced before, and I desperately needed some way out of my own head. I knew I could once again learn how to live with myself, but I needed a crutch until I was able to reach that point.

And that’s what antidepressants are, aren’t they. I’ve learned to see traumatic experiences and anxious moments as wounds that need time to heal — some wounds requiring more attention and care than others. My goal was never to stay on them for too long, just long enough that I could collect myself and feel ready to tackle life on my own again.

My doctor gave me the usual speech, that I would need to take the pills (specifically Sertraline, 25mg) every single day at the same time for at least two weeks. I did as I was told, and honestly I felt great. I felt free of the mental haze I was living in, I didn’t realise just how much my thoughts had taken over my life. I was living in a cloud before, like every moment was a dream. I was constantly in two places at once, my physical self surrounded by whatever I was doing, and my mental self thinking about whatever problems I was stuck unpacking that week or month. It was liberating to know I didn’t need to live that way anymore.

That being said, there are some cons to the pills. I was finally able to be productive at work and more attentive to my family and friends, but it also killed my drive to be creative, made it even more difficult to fall asleep, and obliterated my appetite. The last point was nice at first, I lost a lot of weight that I had meaning to lose for a while — it felt like things were under control, but it eventually led to me eating practically nothing most days because I just wasn’t as hungry as I once was.

Once quarantine began and I was stuck with my family for several months, I somehow thought that then was the right time to try and get off of them. I had practically no responsibilities in terms of work and school, I was surrounded by a loving family everyday, it should work — I thought.

At first it felt like nothing had changed, and that gave me hope that things were going to be okay. A few weeks later though the withdrawal symptoms hit me very hard, and suddenly I felt worse than I ever had. What I didn’t anticipate were the feelings of uselessness, existential dread, and all the other miserable feelings shared by many during quarantine.

It’s a bit funny in hindsight reading all these articles about how quarantine was a “wake-up call” for mental health services. Meanwhile, I was using it as an opportunity to get off the pills so many people apparently started taking. Not my best decision.

Once I got back on them I was worried I was going to be stuck using them forever. I felt like my default mental state would always be too much to bear and that I would need drugs to tame it for the rest of my life — this scared me a lot, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice.

Before going away for my master’s last August, I made sure to get an extra large supply of the pills to last me until I was back home to visit. I moved to another country so I knew getting a refill wasn’t going to be as easy as it once was — I wanted to feel prepared.

I eventually reached a point a few months ago where I realised I was going to run out soon and had no way of getting a proper refill that wasn’t going to take several weeks. I decided I was ready to quit them again, but that I would do it smarter this time.

I had about 10 full pills left, I broke all of them in half. This was to minimise the withdrawal symptoms. It was during the summer so I didn’t have any schoolwork to do, just a job that I went to twice a week. I paid close attention to my mental health, addressed my anxiety every time I felt it, and overall just tried to rebuild my relationship with myself and my own mind.

That was what I missed most: feeling like myself. And so far, things have been nice. I don’t feel anxious or stressed even during difficult situations, and no feeling feels too much to bear. I think it’s only been two months at this point, so the goal is still to watch myself closely and make sure I don’t slip into the old habits that made me so miserable in the first place.

There are still the difficult days, today and yesterday were particularly difficult, but I’ve been able to identify where the pain is coming from and how I can separate myself from it.

Being depressed in my experience is like drowning in your own messy bedroom, there’s garbage in the space that should feel the safest. Taking antidepressants then is like being given an opportunity to be taken out of that room for a few moments, seeing the big picture, and understanding how you can clean everything up with a clearer mind.

The last step is letting yourself step back in despite how comfortable the outside can feel. If you’ve given yourself the time you need to better understand your own mind, though, everything should be fine (or at the very least not terrible).

That’s how this process unfolded for me. The first step is to talk to your doctor, and I know how difficult it can be to even make that decision. Hopefully something I’ve written here can help someone figure out what’s best for them.

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